The Snowy Baratie Zosan CRACK fic
by theotherscandystore
Summary: Once upon a moss, there is a gay chef named Sanji Vinsmoke who happens to meet the booty hunter Roronoa Zoro on a snowy winter day in the East Blue. As their paths cross their fates are sealed, and soon, so are their futures. Warning: the most crackiest thing you might ever read and dancing Zeff.
It was snowing a fuck ton. I say fuck ton and not shit ton because shit ton sounds less then fuck ton.

Anyway, it was snowing a fuck ton at the five star famous restaurant of the sea. Not a soul wasted their time outside because snow is cold and nobody likes the cold. Well, save for the greatest chef in the four seas, Red Leg Zeff. He stood on the floorboards of the deck, wooden leg tapping about. Late evening turned the corner a while back, making the weather even more harsh and freezing the running snot that had stuck to the front of his mustache. The old man red in the face, chilled to his aged core.

"I won't allow you in my restaurant. You can stay out here and rot for all i care. I already gave you food, so take your boat and scram." the owner of the Baratie told the young man whom approached the place in hopes for a shield against the winter. He covered in frost from his head to his shivering body, white with the sentence of freezing to death. However, he wasn't about to let that stop him.

For all he was aware of, this place with shitty people but mouth watering food was his only shelter for miles. So, in that sense, he wasn't going to leave.

"I don't care how many times you say it, I'm not going anywhere but inside. So, if you'll excuse me," the frosty man chattered, teeth clicking like shells on the ground.

Zeff didn't budge from his spot in front of the entrance doors. The wind blew harder, large flakes the size of a person's ear pelting down from the sky. That was all it took for the intruder to collapse onto his knees, the weight of his body dropping into the bank that formed at the two opponents feet. The man was gone from the world, eyes closed and mind black.

"You didn't have to be so rough on him." a voice sounded from the warmth of the other side of the fight.

Smoke blew out the mouth that spoke them like the puffs of hot air coming from Zeff's nose. He repositioned the cigarette onto himself again, stuffing his hand into the black slacks stretching down his legs.

"Tch, i didn't even give him one blow with my leg. If you ask me, he got off lucky," the old man complained, walking to the opened door. The door stayed ajar due to the blonde leaning against it, sucking on the white stick that lazily sat at the tips of his lips. the bags under his eyes made it obvious of his need for sleep, but the poor blonde still had work in store for his sorry ass to complete before then. So much so, it would be a good hour or two before he could lay inside the sweet covers that were calling his name. "Shut the door before you make the damn place winter in there, too, brat."

The so called brat shot the meanest look he could muster to the old man, tempted to flip a table in the process.

"whatever, geezer."

The blonde watched the man disappear behind the kitchen and slipped outside, closing the entrance. the light from inside shined onto the sparkling white, the beautiful, yet unforgiving snow, ate upon the figure below. The man's green coat could only be picked out by the keenest of eyes with the sad state it was in.

He tossed the unfinished cigarette into the ocean, walking to the man of his equal age group. Brushing away what he could, the blonde hooked his arms around the other male, hoisting him over his shoulder.

"Holy shit-you're a lot heavier than i expected." He gave out a strained breath, the heavy man nearly squashing him into the ground as well. He adjusted his grip, dragging the lifeless body to the back doors.

A trail formed with his kicks through the icy blanket, jagged zig zagging to the opposite side of the Baratie. The opening on the other side was rarely used unless there was some kind of emergency, so it was a perfect spot to sneak in from. The blonde only knew this from experience. "Dont worry, i share ownership with that old guy, so i have a say in who stays and who doesn't as well. I just hope that he doesn't try to kill me for doing this."

"...thank you..."

The words were quiet and were close to going unheard, but being the only set of ears in the almost silent ocean, the blonde heard them clearly.

"Oh, good, so you are alive still." the blonde laughed. "And it's no problem, just lay low when i bring you in. I'm Sanji, by the way."

"...I'm..."

"Roronoa fucking Zoro, the booty hunter. At your service to cut shit up, how's it goin'?"

"Pretty chilly out here, it's snowing sideways." Sanji comments.

"Yes indeed it is snowing sideways." They look up at the sky together and in those few seconds, they know they are meant to be. Sanji looks at Roronoa fucking Zoro, and see the perfection and dedication, hard work, suffering, and moss in those brown eyes of his and Zoro sees what a shit cook Sanji is. Zoro is about to pull Sanji forward for a heated kiss, when all of a sudden, Super Bass by Nicki Minaj blares from inside the Baratie. They stop mid way and both look in the window to see Zeff busting a move.

Sanji and fucking Zoro stays quiet for a few seconds, but then Zeff starts shaking his moneymaker and Sanji throws up into the ocean. Zoro tares his eyes away from the old man and loses his food as well.

"That was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen." Sanji says and fucking Zoro nods his head in agreement.

"You want to make out?" Fucking Zoro asks.

"Only after you take me out on a date and buy me flowers. I want a nice dinner, with bread sticks and candles." Sanji replies back, looking hopefully at the Marimo.

"Deal." Their fate is forever locked and they later make love and it's so beautiful that Gold Roger cries from his grave.

FIN

reviews  
that sounds like a terrible story, so I didn't ever read it  
-New York Times

there was no plot at all, it was just like reading fifty shades of grey but with green  
-Time Magazine

if there was any rating lower than one star, i would have given it to this story  
-Some Other Important Company

why the fuck am I even writing a review, i make video games  
-That Gaming Company

it was meh  
-The Fangirl Society

Notes:

Purely made for amusement and enjoyment. My sister at first starting writing in hopes to make a crack fic (it was late at night and we had been cooped up in a car all day), but then it turned serious, so I took over and finished it up for her.

Also, the part with Zeff liking Nicki Minaj is an inside joke between my sister and myself. One day I made an account on kik and I used Zeff as my profile picture and kept sending her videos of Super Bass and all she can ever think of is Zeff when someone talks about Nicki Minaj now.

I hope you enjoyed this as much as we did, and hopefully it could make you laugh, and if it's not your thing than that's cool too. Leave a comment on what you thought, and if you want more of our crazy thoughts we'll be happy to write up some more. Thanks for reading!


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